


If You Had This Time Again

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Connor Doesn't Die, Depression, Fluff, High School, M/M, Possible Sincerely Three, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix It, my Boy is a mess, the insanely insecure jared kleinman, yay!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 03:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15015311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You know, With all the weird shit that has happened to Jared this year, You'd think that maybe he would of at least seen this comingAlthough, Despite the fact that he is well and truly freaked, He might as well make the best of it





	1. Chapter One

“What's that’s supposed to mean?” Was he really doing this? He should back off, he should just shut his mouth or make a stupid joke to defuse the situation, he really really shouldn’t let this escalate-  
“It means you should remember who your friends are!” The words slipped out of Jared's mouth before he could even stop them, his eyes widening a fraction when he realised what he’d just said. Jared tried to keep his expression angry, not letting any other emotion show because fuck, he’d just said that him and Evan were friends he’d just ruined everything oh god. Almost every part of Jared was screaming at him to leave, leave right now but there was that one stupid stubborn part of him that was refusing to let him wuss out of this. Evan didn’t seem to notice Jared's internal struggled at all because he was quick to snap back at him, voice surprisingly steady and so mad and emotion filled that it took everything in Jared to not break down crying right there.  
“I thought the only reason you talk to me is because of your car insurance?!” Evan's expression was so bitter and angry and it honest to god terrified Jared because he had never, ever seen Evan like this. Sad? Yes. Crying? Definitely. Freaked Out? Constantly. But angry? Never.  
Jared's response was childish and if it weren’t for the fact that he was so stubborn he might as well of just said nothing at all.  
“So?!”  
“So, maybe the only reason you talk to me Jared is cause you don’t have any other friends!!” Jared flinched back like he’d been slapped, his eyes threatening to start burning because he knew those words were true damn it but why did Evan have to say it like that?! Jared suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of vulnerability and emotion so he did the only thing he knew how to, He lashed out.  
“I, Could tell everyone, Everything!!” He wouldn’t, he would never do that, if not just to save his own hide if just because he knew that exposing the truth would completely shatter Evan and he knew the poor boy couldn’t handle it, he was barely handling himself now. But damn it, He was upset and needed to fucking say something.  
“Well then, Go ahead do that, tell everyone that you wrote emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!!” There was so much anger, so much hatred in Evan's voice that Jared couldn’t hold back the water works anymore. He couldn’t fucking do this anymore, he couldn’t let Evan keep using him for to help his sick fantasy lies. He had to get out, he had to leave right now. Evan was towering over him as per usual and Jared felt so fucking tiny but he still had some fucking pride left somewhere but holy shit Evan fucking Hansen had basically just threatened him and he was having significant trouble breathing properly right now.  
“FUCK YOU EVAN!!! Asshole!!” Jared was well aware that he sounded like a stupid heart broken little kid. His voice had cracked at the end but he didn’t even fucking care anymore as he stormed off, trying to hide his shaking but focusing mainly on getting out of there, he just wanted to go home and stay in his room forever. Angry, prickly self loathing thoughts stung at his brain, their toxic poison making it hard to run and even focus on everything other than-  
U _seless, Asshole, Pathetic, Lonely, Worthless, Disappointment, Baby, Weak, Selfish, You ruin everything, Clingy, Nothing_  
Jared felt his legs give way as soon as he locked himself in the small broom closet. As soon as the door slammed behind him he let out a choked sob, his claustrophobia kicking in but he didn’t even care anymore because he’d just ruined everything. Thick, heavy sobs wracked through his whole body, his glasses slipping off his nose and landing of the ground with a crash as he bowed his head, hugging himself tightly. He tried focus on breathing again to no avail, it was almost like he’d forgotten how to do so.  
He wanted to desperately to blame this on Evan. He wanted so desperately to hate the boy that had played him, used him so he could get whatever he wanted. Evan Hansen who had thrown him away like garbage as soon as he wasn’t of use. But deep down, He knew he could never pin the blame on Evan, Could never hate him, at least not fully.  
Especially since, looking back in it all, He was clearly just as much, if not more, to blame.  
“Good fucking job Kleinman,” He hissed, sniffling pathetically as his breathing hitched. “You’ve fucked up, once a fucking gain and this time there’s no fixing it.” Maybe if he had of been a better friend to Evan, maybe even he had of stopped pushing everyone away, maybe if he hadn’t of been so fucking useless he wouldn’t be crying alone in a god damn broom closet right now.  
“You were so fucking scared of getting hurt and now look what’s happened.” He could see basically nothing, the walls seeming like they were closing in and everything was even more of a blur in the darkness than usual. One thing was standing out though, in focus and clear. His shattered glasses, broken beyond repair right in front of him, the sharp glass sharps staring up at him almost hypnotically. The little voice in his head almost seemed to be whispering in his ear, causing rough shivers to course through his body. The logical part of his brain was being drowned out as a growing feeling of numbness took over his body. __  
“It’d make everyone happy, the world would finally be free of you. You’d finally be able to do one good thing with your pathetic excuse of a life. Evan sure as hell won’t miss you.”  
Evan, sweet innocent Evan that didn’t deserve any of this stupid bullshit. Evan, Who put up with him for all those years despite Jared not deserving him in the slightest. Evan who could name every tree of my heart, Evan who tended to ramble on for hours on end without realising, Evan who genuinely cared for everyone and sincerely just wants everyone to be happy, Evan who always came to him for help despite Jared never giving it to him.  
Evan who was his only friend, Evan who was his entire world. Evan Hansen who was Jared's only reason to keep living.  
Jared laughed bitterly.  
Well, Not anymore he wasn’t. Now Evan didn’t want anything to do with him.  
The glass pierced his wrist, filling his whole world with a sharp burning agony. Jared closed his eyes, letting out one last sob before...

 

Before he opened his them again in a familiar crowded hallway, his wide shocked eyes following Alana as she walked off and locking onto Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen who looked so lost and alone.

   
Evan Hansen who was picking at the cast on his arm.

 

_Wait, Holy shit_

 

Evan Hansen who was picking at the _blank_ cast on his arm, a cast that didn’t have Connors name written on it with black marker.

 

Evan Hansen who had just made eye contact with him and had furrowed his brow, eyes anxious and yet free from the weight and stress and anger that Jared had previously seen them filled with.

 

Evan Hansen who was now waving awkwardly at him.

 

Jared let out a strangled squeak.


	2. Chapter Two

  
_What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck_  
Jared's hand instinctively went to his glasses, which definitely didn’t help matters because fuck his glasses weren’t broke and they were sitting perfectly on his nose like nothing had even happened and _what the fuck_  
“Woah, Jared, Is...Is everything okay?” Jared just about jumped ten foot in the air because _shit when did Evan get so fast he could of sworn he was no where near him a few seconds ago!_  
Evan was looking at him, expression worried and yet unsure, like he didn’t know if he had just over stepped a boundary or something. There were so many things Jared wanted to say right then, Most of them apologies for various things and quite too many of them questions but instead he just found himself rather unattractively blurting out-  
“Isitweirdtobethefirstpersontobreaktheirarmfromjackingofftoomuchordoyouconsiderthatanhonour?” Evan's expression morphed from worry to horror the span of a few seconds. He started to splutter our something that vaguely sounded like denial but Jared's mind was else where. His eyes were darting around, trying to take everything in a figure out what was happening because he was well and truly freaked out. He...This was impossible, this was definitely impossible. He was dreaming, or high or something or he-  
Jared's hand flew to his wrist in what he hoped was a subtle movement but didn’t quite like his chances. Evan was rambling about a tree or something, but Jared could barely hear him. He felt like he’d just been submerged underwater, he couldn’t breathe. He thinks he said something about acorns like he did last time, But Jared's mind was on autopilot.  
It was only when Evan was talking about about how he waited for someone to come and help him but nobody did however when he snapped back to earth. Shit, even if this wasn’t a dream or something, What the fuck did he have to loose at this point.  
“Jesus Christ...” Jared noted how he said that a lot softer and less mocking this time. Evan seemed to of taken it the wrong way regardless as he was about to open his mouth to say something when Jared hastily cut him off. “You're, You're okay now right? Like, Aside from having your arm in a cast and...Stuff.” Fuck, Jared was not good at this at all was he? Evan seemed taken back by Jared's question and Jared felt another pang of self hatred.  
_This is what you’ve done, A kid should be so surprised when someone asks if they are okay, that’s just fucking common curtesy. Maybe if you hadn’t of been such an asshole your whole life he-_  
“I Uh, Yeah I guess...Thanks for asking, what...How were your holidays? You went to camp right?” Well, at least Evan was as awkward as him right now. Jared didn’t know why, but he for some reason had the urge to tell Evan the truth. To tell Evan that it was boring, that he didn’t make any friends and that basically everyone either ignored him or hated his guts.  
Yeah go ahead, Tell Evan about how much of a loser you are, he'll be sure to drop you even faster than last time.  
So Jared just bit his tongue, spinning the same lie as he did last time. Wait fuck, When did he start referring to everything that had happened as last time? When did he start believing in this whole time travel bullshit?

“Um do you...Do you want to sign my cast?” Evan asked timidly, once again oblivion to the mental breakdown Jared was having. Jared was silent, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. Evan seemed to take that as a no as he quickly started spluttering an apology.

”I'm sorry, I shouldn’t, I mean-“ 

“No!” Jared himself was startled by his own yell, although it was nothing compared to Evan who looked like he might burst into tears. And honestly, Same. 

“That is to say I...Yeah, Sure, I'll sign it.” Evan blinked before biting his lip and nodding, his eyes wide. 

“Oh uh... Sure wait let me just grab a marker...”

It was only then that Jared spotted Connor Murphy, and everything well and truly crashed down around him. His breathing hitched as he stared, stared at someone that he knew for a fact was dead and it was at that point that Jared finally fully believed in what was happening. He’d gone back in time, Holy fucking shit he’d gone back in time.  
Evan had started to get concerned, waving his good hand in front of Jared's face but Jared couldn’t stop staring at Connor in disbelief and shock. Connor seemed to of finally noticed his staring as the dark haired boy’s eyes narrowed dangerously.   
“What the fuck are you staring at?!” It’s offical, Jared was going to throw up.


End file.
